Struggling to keep your marriage alive? In balance? Wondering where is God in all this?
I know what that’s like.
About 7 years ago, I was in a marriage that had me wishing I could run far, far, away and never return. It was not good for either of us. I felt my blood pressure rise with each passing day and it was all I could do to have a good day and not wake up with a headache.
My marriage was not focused on God. We went to church, I served God when I could, listened to Christian music in the car, took the family to church, prayed, read my Bible, yet it was still falling apart.
I couldn’t think of what I was doing wrong. Dressing up to impress my husband, I would have dinner ready, I would wear expensive make-up, try to impress him by having my hair and nails done weekly, pedicures, the whole nine yards. Jesus, I need you. I would cry out. Why is this not working. Constantly fighting, emotional roller coasters, and as if that wasn’t enough, financial problems.
Then, the verbal and emotional abuse started. It wasn’t long after that the physical abuse began and I wanted to give up. I knew this was not how God would have me live, but I didn’t know what to do. I had little ones. What about them? Would they be okay if I were to jump ship? Jesus, I need you. A simple prayer that I keep repeating to myself over and over in desperate times of need. How can this be? How did I get myself into this mess.
Years went on and then finally… a huge argument and I gained a little strength. I did it for my children. Cops were called. An investigation into all the abuse. Reports filed. He was arrested. And now… I was alone.
Did I do the right thing? What do I do now. I was blamed for putting an innocent man in jail but honestly our home life was a secret to all and no one knew what went on inside of our four walls. Should I have done a better job of letting others in on our secret life? All of these questions raced around and around in my mind like cars on a racetrack. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I lost weight and my kids we’re seeing the result of a mother who was falling into a slight depression.
Why was I not happy? He was gone. No more fighting, arguing, I was free to do what I wanted and when I wanted. But, I hadn’t prepared for what was to come after all of this stopped. My daily prayers were being heard and I knew that God was with me all along however my faith had diminished. I wanted this to be fixed right away, and God was working behind the scenes as he usually is but I failed to recognize.
Slowly, I began seeing that Jesus had others plans for the kids and I. I had Hope. Something that I needed desperately. My kids were part of my healing process.
Jesus did help me. Us. I received a better paying job, with better hours so I could be there more for the kids. We moved into another house and had a place to call ours. I was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Attending church regularly, praying, and believing that my situation was for a purpose and God had a plan I believe helped me. I kept telling myself God has a position for me in this world, I just know it.
After many years, I met a wonderful man that treats my kids and I with so much love and respect. It was difficult for me to accept this because for many years I had lived with anger, frustration, feeling unworthy, and hopelessness inside of me. I prayed for God to send a man to my children and I. God knew what I needed. However, negative thoughts such as who would love a woman with children kept me feeling hopeless. Everything is on time and nothing is ever wasted with Jesus. I began gaining my faith back.
I am now a witness to how God can turn your mess into a message. I share parts of my story often with other women to give them hope how Jesus is still in the miracle working business. Do I condone divorce? Not at all, but the same goes for any type of abuse. My prayer is that God would give you peace wherever you are in your marriage.
I am sharing this story because I know there are lots of other women going through desperation in their marriage right now for different reasons and I want to give you hope that Jesus can help you. He is there everyday to wipe your tears, he knows your fears, he knows the decisions you need to make and will guide you. Trust Him. Never lose Hope. Never give up. Your children need you. Pray for restoration in your marriages, pray for wisdom, guidance, faith, hope, trust, honesty, love, peace, patience, and hold onto your marriage if its possible. Attend church together, pray for each other, and most of all make Jesus the center of everything.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28)